(My tribute to all Biological and Un-biological Mothers)
This conversation with my mom started with my very innocuous remark about my curly hair, how I never notice it until hairdressers ask me if my curls are natural, or when I first wake up in the morning. Ngatanan gad kamo, kurong, my mom said.
My mom then jumped from that topic to Hayden Kho, waray man la mag sulibang ko. And how she pities him now. What? Am I hearing what you are saying? And how did we get to Hayden Kho from my hair?
My hair, my brother’s curly hair, Mano her son, Hayden who is now in the news is a son to a mom who has defended him, she would defend her son too, no matter what- that was her logical flow. You follow? From the time I woke up that morning with my untamed hair, we were just one breath away from talking about Mano, the pinakurong among us.
She explained: Hayden is a mother’s son too. And if she were his mother, no matter what he did, no matter how wrong, she would take his side, and she would protect him. Like what Hayden’s mother did. I could have told her that Hayden’s mom got a lot of flak for that. I told my friends this exchange and they asked, but what about Katrina’s mom? I said, that is not the theme that day- for my mom, the mother and son story is the central theme this particular morning. The son who did wrong and the grieving mother. And if Mano were alive and did a Hayden, well she would go on TV and say, nilulong lang siya ng droga ni Katrina. She is funny that way, my mom. I could have laughed but I wanted to cry instead.
So just to clarify, it was not Hayden my mom sided with, she emphatized with Hayden’s mom, just in case the anti-Hayden group set camp outside our house.
But that morning, even before I had my first cup of coffee, my mom had once again shown me what this mother-love thing is all about. In All about my mother, (something I wrote two Mothers’ days ago) I have said all that I could say to pay homage to my mom. And I wondered, would I ever be like her?
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My mom’s declaration of unconditional love reminded me of a very indulgent question that only a non-mother like me would ask. I have asked this question over and over again: What if I have a child and I end up not liking him/her? (What if they end up being the over-achiever classmate everyone detested, or the bully, or the airhead I would make fun of? What if she/he does not like books? What if the sound of their voices is irritating? What if? What if?)
Consistently, and without much hesitation, every single one I asked who is a mother said, “that is not possible.” It is impossible for any mother not to like their children.
Of course a non-mother like me would have a little difficulty understanding this statement of seemingly unquestionable fact. But the daughter in me, who is loved by her mom, major flaws and all, somehow gets it.
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The plan for this trip to Tacloban was I would bring back my cousin’s kids to Manila from their summer vacation. When I arrived, the two now very home-sick kids were waiting for me. The conversation went:
Kuya Shameer: Nanay Jet, sabi ni mama sama kami sa iyo balik Manila basta hindi lang kami makulit.
Me: Ok, basta I only have two rules, don’t call me Nanay Jet if there are single men about and hindi kayo mag poo-po-poo ha…
Kuya Shameer: Bakit, walang toilet?
Me: May bathroom, Pero si Nanay Jet, hindi nag-clean clean ng poopoo, ever…
Ate Lousie: Kasi wala ka children kaya hindi ka naghuhugas ng pwet?
Such insight from a five-year old. Poor kids, they would really have to hold it, if they travel with me.
But motherhood and baby shit have always been inseparable from my mind. When I was a teenager, my mom would always tell me, kung gusto mo magkatae early pa, hala sige, pag-asawa hin temprano. Mom, that was very effective, look at me now.
Now, decades beyond my teenage years, I still panic if these kids, whom I adore and who adores me in return, calls me from the toilet, saying, “tapos na ako”. It’s Mana Adette’s job, she’s a mom, she has no qualms about these things.
In my mind, that is what sets Mothers apart from us the cool titas- this kind of love that makes it ok to wipe the shit off somebody else’s ass. Shet. Pakshet.
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So would I be willing to do that? (and more, I know, but in my mind it all starts with dirty diapers)
My brother once said that one has to decide early on whether they want to have children or not, and past a certain age one should not have children anymore (he did not say what age though). I took this to mean that he has already decided not to have kids. I suppose that marker has to do with being at an age where you can still grow with your kids, or play ball with them without getting a heart attack after. I have thought long and hard whether I want to have kids and at some points I said I am cool being the greatest Tita ever (and ask my pamangkins, I am the coolest Tita EVER). Now the only thing that I am certain of is that I do not want that option taken away from me.
Now, I am surrounded by women who badly want to have kids but for many reasons could not just yet. We talk about it sometimes, or we don’t most of the time. But the mere fact that they are already considering being responsible for another life is already remarkable. I will dance a million times in front of the fertility goddess for them if that would help.
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And then, there are the un-biological moms (dyndyn’s term not mine).
Aimee and Rubylee have long ago started calling each other MA, - just because they could only really depend on each other. Another mother-sister—mother relationship I admire is that of Dyndyn and Baan. They are mothers to each other and mothers to Dantoy.
There’s Mommy Jasmin, who has done a pretty amazing job in raising Jehu, and like any other Mom has already set aside her own dreams and has planned her life around him.
Drey has reluctantly and temporarily assumed the role of the mother while waiting for her mom to wake up from her sleep. Darl recently stood as the mother of the groom but has long ago assumed the role of mother in the Delgado household. In one conversation with Darl and Drey, we concurred that taking on the role of the mom in a mom-centered household is not an easy feat. We may be competent in our jobs, but thrust in the roles that our moms played, we reach a certain level of incompetence on things that our mothers have done so effortlessly.
And so I propose that after Mother’s Day, there should be a day dedicated for all un-biological mothers. Let me bring this up with the Hallmark people, that should be a strong start. Or come up with a contest for Ulirang Hindi Ina. I could go on and on with these ideas (I could hear Weng heave a big sigh, adi naman kamo, nagwinaso-waso na naman) but in the meantime, let me just say: Mothers of all non-mothers, you rock!!
