“My only question is,” she said, “Where do they go after this?”
Faith, I believe is the word, I said. I cannot not believe, otherwise where would they be? At that time, I envied the people around me with unwavering faith, because the conviction that he is somewhere, wherever that is, is better than struggling with the questions – Is this it? And then?
Once, some time ago, an aunt and I agreed that it is better not to seek answers to, or look for meaning to these permanent absences. This is just how it is, you feel it, and then.
So for you, my friend, I share this:
The Same Old Figurative
by Joel M. Toledo
Yes, the world is strange, riddled with difficult sciences
and random magic. But there are compensations, things we do
perceive: the high cries and erratic spirals of sparrows,
the sky gray and now giving in to the regular rain.
Still we insist on meaning, that common consolation
that every now and then makes for beauty. Or disaster.
Listen. The new figures are simply those of birds,
the whole notes of their now flightless bodies snagged
on the many scales of the city. And it’s just some thunder,
the usual humming of wires. It is only in its breaking
that the rain gives itself away. So come now and assemble
with the weather. Notice the water gathering on your cupped
and extended hands—familiar and wet and meaningless.
You are merely being cleansed. Bare instead
the scarred heart; notice how its wild human music
makes such sense. Come the divining
can wait.
Let us examine the wreckage.
(for B, who has just recently said goodbye to a love one; and for him, I say a prayer)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Because D once said:
‘Enough of that cryptic death stream of consciousness thing.' And so, three years later, I decided to drop Notes from Six Feet Under.
A little note on why this is now Horoscope Junky. I am a compulsive reader of horoscope. I subscribe to the daily yahoo horoscope and monthly, I check out www.astrologyzone.com. I once tried to explain why in my first ever blog entry.
So I decided to let this blog go where my horoscope tells me.
My March horoscope said: “It would not be a good time to get engaged and if you don't have to, avoid getting married. Finally, you must never have plastic surgery when Venus is retrograde, which thankfully is a rare occurrence...’ Gosh, and I had such big plans around these things. Ha-ha!
So I guess the only thing I can do that is not in the realm of life changing experiences would be to go back to this page. But it has been so long that I no longer know how to compose paragraphs (with a topic sentence and supporting sentences ba)…so let’s take this slow. The best that I can do right now is come up with a list.
25 Random Things
(This is a facebook thing, not sure why it has to be 25. I started thinking about what I would write on my list of 25 while I was on my dentist’s chair, trying to get my mind off that drilling sound)
2. Still on fears, I have always been afraid of dogs. When I was about 8 or so, a small puppy bit me (the story around this involves a lie that a cousin and I did not take back until we were in our mid-twenties, when we were too old to get a spanking and to be grounded) and I had to be injected with anti-rabies vaccine everyday for about 2 weeks. Hellish for a kid to go through. I was bitten two more times after that, the last one by Maguay, the Delgado’s dog. It was not his fault, he was sick and grumpy and I was sun-shiny happy. Could be irritating for anyone. Darl said he bit because he actually liked me. Does not make sense to me, I never understood that whole law of love and violence.
3. I love solitary walks but these have been seriously hampered by my fear of stray dogs. So now I go on solitary drives. Simon, my dream interpreter, said that every time a threatening dog appeared in my dreams, it means I am anxious about something or there is something I am afraid to face during my waking hours. And he was so right.
4. I have a dog though- I call him Mang Pedring, a toy poodle (I have no problem with dogs once they become my friends). He is back home with his grandparents because his single working mom (me) can’t leave him to starve to death while she is travelling.
5. What I miss most from my childhood is climbing trees. And even if I can’t climb them, I love pine trees. I particularly like peeling resin from its barks.
6. I know this is not environmentally-friendly, but I am always nostalgic whenever I get a whiff of dried leaves burning. Reminds me of lazy afternoons back home. Tita G introduced me to the romantic smell of pine cones burning.
7. For home fresheners, I would prefer the smell of freshly-baked bread or brewed coffee. I can’t stand those lemon or strawberry car fresheners or any fruity smells- gives me a bad headache.
8. If Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas said, ‘You can never ever ask me to stop drinking’, my version would be: ‘You can never ever make me eat ampalaya (bitter lemon) and okra, ever.’
9. These can make me cry without fail: all boys’ choir during Sunday mass, the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition, sports-themed movies where the underdog always wins the game, the movie Running on Empty, the song Smile, and early morning flights to Tacloban.
10. I can’t throw keys away. I keep all of the keys I find in a box even if its owners are long gone, even if the doors that they open are shut forever, or even if the drawers that were under lock and key are now empty.
11. I am all about big wide windows and open spaces. The view from the bedroom window has always been my primary consideration when moving into a new place or checking into a hotel room. My first anxiety attack happened when I drew the curtains of a hotel room and found out it had no windows, just frosted glass. The reason why I decided on my place now is that it had windows you can actually open, unlike other high rise condos where all you get are closed, suicide-proof glass windows.
12. My biggest pet-peeve: Men who carry the purses/small bags of their girlfriends or women who let their men do that- I have never understood why they would need to do that. For me bags are fashion accessories (aside from the practical purpose it serves) so why should I let someone else carry it for me?
13. Another pet peeve is the song Bakit ngayon ka lang. Trust me, in all videoke bars, there would always be married or otherwise committed men singing that song (with feelings pa).
14. It is very important for me that the person (s) I would end up spending a lot of time with would be able to pronounce my name just right- Jet, not Jit, not Jate, not Jets. That’s why I dropped Claudette in the first place- got tired being called Clawdet. Besides, Claudette is so French and I am so, so not.
15. I took diving lessons and went diving twice after I got my license and have not done it since. I took sewing lessons, and have not been back after the second lesson. Now I plan to take photography lessons, wonder if I will make it to the third session.
16. For most of my high school and college years, my plan was really to be based in the US, in New York pa. But now, I can’t imagine living anywhere but here in my country. I love travelling but I get so home-sick and I can’t wait to come back. I tell people I meet when I travel that I live in a tropical paradise. Among the many reasons I can’t imagine living anywhere else: the tropical weather, the beaches, inexpensive salon services and spas, and my family (not necessarily in that order).
17. Among the things I thank the Big Boss for are: that I do not have motion sickness, I do not have allergies, and I can sleep anywhere, at will and in any position, and I have a small circle of very good friends (again, not necessarily in the order of importance).
18. My retirement plan is to own a beach resort in one obscure island that only accepts guests I like; where money would not be the currency accepted as payment for room and board--payment would be through songs belted out in abandon, stories that can make me laugh or cry, even those untold, those that still have to make their way out of their hiding places, and tales of passion and compassion. It will also serve as half-way house for my friends, who can be the resort’s resident eccentric artists. Ines, when I told her about this a year ago, said I should keep and carry a symbol of that dream with me all the time to make it happen (she kept a leaf or a twig- for her dream house or dream island). I wonder what airport security would do if they find me carrying white sand in my pocket.
I am pretty sure that there are seven items we could lift from my previous post to complete the 25 (just realized I have been in a list mode).
1.
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